Days of Art 2017-20: Actresses, Photographesses, & Paintresses

This week Emma Watson became the first actor to win a major gender-neutral acting award when she won MTV’s first award of the night at their 2017 MTV Movie & TV Awards (see story at Watson claimed the trophy for “Best Actor in a Movie,” a peculiarly gender-neutral award that failed to recognize the acting achievements of testosterone and the male penis. MTV was deluded, apparently, by virtue of the fact that Ms. Watson remained clothed during the filming, thus muffling the inadequate mutterings coming from within her vulva as compared to the clear enunciation of James McAvoy’s 100% all-beef thermometer. Yeah, I imagine that Taraji Henson’s junk would put on a better performance than some (to remain nameless) but come on, Hugh Jackman is practically named for his dong.

To make matters worse, MTV followed up this madness by yielding to the romantic whisperings of boobies in nominating three (ugh!) women in the “Best Actor in a Show” award. Um, duh, acTOR, MTV. It’s a good thing I don’t watch TV or else I’d stop watching TV. Um, you know what I mean.

Yeah, Watson babbled some rubbish about “the human experience” and how “Empathy and the ability to use your imagination should have no limits.” Yeah, whatever, Hermione. All I heard was how quickly you’re losing your British accent. Damned American wannabe. M’s been here since 2015 and she still sounds like a Londoner who moved to the south coast. That’s how you British, young lady!

Let me go on record to say that I’m completely against all of this nonsense, treating human beings like they’re the same when they obviously have different bits and bytes. Next you’ll be telling me I have the right to the same shit my wife does, when clearly, duh, I am 58% black and she’s no more than 4% black. That’s like … whatever.

Thank God that no one else has jumped on this PC beerwagon. I’m sure the Pulitzer Guys would never ignore how a man’s bologna pony improves his shooting … er, I mean, photography. It’s clear that when it comes to other arts, the powers that be recognize that genders should be separate in order to protect the more delicate species, girls, from the masculine horrors of competition and fair evaluation. Okay, granted, there have been a few women Pulitzer winners, like the first one won by a woman, below, in 1954.

Truck Accident, 1954 Pulitzer Prize winner, won by amateur photographer Mrs. Walter M. Schau (A man would have known to name it “Shit Storm”.

However, while Mr. Pulitzer and his people temporarily lost the bubble, at least the amateur shooter and full-time woman, Mrs. Walther M. Schau, knew it was a male award, as she had the decency to give all credit to her husband who probably bought her the damned camera in the first place. History has failed to mention whether the kindly Mr. Schau was angry that dinner may have been a tad late that day. Woman probably forgot to wear pearls too.

Unsurprisingly, once the gateway was opened, the Pulitzer people were shamed into letting in more husband’s wives, but these didn’t understand the rules, and shamelessly used their own names, like we care. Women like Deanne Fitzmaurice (San Francisco Chronicle), Carol Guzy and Nikki Kahn (Washington Post), Barbara Davidson and Carolyn Cole (LA Times), Renee C. Byer (Sacramento Bee), and Cheryl Diaz Meyer (Dallas Morning News) have repeatedly kicked open the shuttered gates of gender-neutral award supremacy when they were perfectly content being closed.

Pulitzer Prize Winner for 2011, Barbara Davidson / Los Angeles Times via AP

Next, someone will propose that other arts are equal as well, with renown going equally to paintresses like Frida Kahlo, Georgia O’Keefee, and Imogene Cunningham who rudely overshadowed their less-talented husbands, What’s-his-name Rivera, the wall-painter; That Stieglitz Guy with the creepy mustache; and What’s-his-face from The Partridge Family, or something. I forget and can’t be bothered to Google right now. (By the way, shouldn’t we have a separate Google for looking up (non-porn) women, like Googlette or Googess?

The point I’m making is that it’s clear that men and women are vastly different, because men have willies and women have hoohahs. Even if you call them other stuff (Ms. Vagoo is my current favorite) they still look different, and so, that absolutely colors every single aspect of their character and life. Men and Women should be kept separate, preferably in long robes, and should only interact to donate eggs and sperm at the church/mosque-sanctioned Reproduction Centres. Let’s save the world from the likes of Communist Emma Watson. Keep Oscar for Men, and let women earn their separate Olive Awards, or whatever the hell they’re called. (I always switch to sports when the women come on.)

In any case, I have to wrap this up. My wife tells me it’s my turn to do the washing, and I forgot to put the clothes in the dryer talking to you lot. Y’all got me in trouble.


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